You’re Not Crazy, You’re Just Protecting Yourself

Unconventional Facilitation - Part 2

If you’ve ever thought, “Why is she so defensive?” or “Why do I shut down every time this topic comes up?”—welcome to the human club.

In family philanthropy, emotions aren’t just “in the room.” They’re running the show. That’s why I draw on Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a framework from psychology that helps make sense of our reactions.

IFS says we’re made up of “parts.”

• A Core self that’s calm, compassionate, wise.

• Protector parts that jump in when we feel unsafe or threatened.

• Exiled parts that carry old pain and vulnerability.

When a conversation triggers us, it’s often a protector taking the wheel in defense of an exile. This can take a variety of forms:

• The Defender: Dad crosses his arms when the next-gen suggests shifting focus.
  He’s not trying to be rigid—his “protector” part is defending decades of identity. “Changing direction” can feel like “you failed.” That part is guarding his sense of worth.

• The Pleaser: A daughter nods along but never voices disagreement. Her protector learned early that speaking up = conflict. Silence is safety.

• The Firefighter: The son whose investment strategy hasn’t been performing up to expectations flies into a shouting rant as soon as the topic comes up. His protector has jumped in because if he’s brutal in his self-criticism, he won’t have to hear disappointment/judgment his exiled perfectionist can’t handle. 

Why it Works

IFS gives us a way to notice these parts without judgment. Instead of saying, “Why are you so stubborn?” we ask, “What part of you is feeling threatened right now?” That single shift can dissolve defensiveness. Suddenly, the conversation isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding.

I don’t use therapy jargon in facilitation. I’ll simply say: “It sounds like part of you wants to protect something important. Can we explore what that part needs to feel safe?” Families start to realize: everyone has protectors. Everyone’s just trying to stay safe while doing meaningful work. When those parts feel heard, the core self re-emerges—curious, connected, open. That’s where transformation happens.

Ready to explore the parts shaping your family conversations? I can help you find the calm core beneath the noise.